Oh Jeez...

I’ve been at work all day, with legit shit that needs to get done, and so far I have: 

• Exhausted all my social media accounts multiple times
• Read up on the latest celeb gossip and fashion 
• Watched every single Ellen DeGeneres Show clip on YouTube (WHY?)
• Looked at, fawned over, and re-pinned about a 1,000 things on Pinterest 
• Eaten, as a form of entertainment  
• Listened to the masterful, always-on-key Blame it on Rio soundtrack
• Moisturized my damn dry hands 75 times

I don’t know why I can’t seem to buckle down and do work. Could it be because I have to revise a PR Plan for the 700th time? Or that I have to write a new one? Or maybe because I have to decipher hand-written notes on a document and make corrections, because, you know, there’s no such thing as TRACK CHANGES. 

Or, maybe, MAYBE - because all the above is SO MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING that I cannot be bothered to even glance at it until 5:30 p.m., when I try to hastily write a few coherent sentences before 6 p.m. when I can leave this freezing, polar ice cap purgatory.

In my boss’s office, while he was speaking to me about a media list and “thinking critically.” The thing is, he wasn’t even being mean or a dick about it. He was even-tempered and even-toned and generally pretty polite about the whole thing. And he wasn’t blaming me, he was just inquiring, and he even threw in “you’re doing a great job,” “I really appreciate that you do this…” and OMG before I knew it or could stop it, the waterworks started.

As I sat there on the couch in his office, I began biting my lip and tilting my head up and generally doing ANYTHING in my power to stop the tears. But alas, the fresh orbs of emotion fell and I sighed an audible “fuck” and he promptly offered me a tissue and asked “why are you crying? I’m complimenting you, I’m not getting angry.” Well, the thing is there were a number of reasons I was crying:

•  Just the fact that I had to go to the proverbial principle’s office was bad enough, I was never a kid to get in trouble or sit in detention

• The fact that on numerous occasions my boss has told me that I “talk like a thirteen year old” because my voice tends to naturally go up at the end of sentences

• The fact that I am working so hard and I feel like I’m not able to live up to expectations and although I know I am past my 90 days and I have received my insurance card and have been reassured that I’m hired, I still feel that at any moment the rug can be lifted up from under me

• The fact that I got an email (not from my boss) containing edits on a press release that I wrote with a note: “Do you know how to properly use hypens? Please take a look at the [link] for a refresher course.” TO ME! ME. OF ALL PEOPLE!! YES, I KNOW HOW YOU USE HYPENS YOU INCONSIDERATE DOLT!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE TACT?! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A REFRESHER COURSE IN TALKING TO PEOPLE.

So eventually I stopped, however not before I sprang into another fit at the end of my little meeting, prompting my boss to awkwardly tell Family Guy jokes to try to get me to stop blubbering. GOOD GOD WHEN WILL THIS FUCKING DAY BE FUCKING OVER.

I think the headline is pretty self explanatory. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to be at work right now, falling asleep on my keyboard. Not that that’s a new thing. I routinely fall asleep, or at least find myself in the twilight zone purgatory of half-lucid/half-asleep. The other day I was just sitting at my desk, playing with a push pin (don’t ask) when I felt myself dozing off, and then I was suddenly woken up by a rush of adrenaline because in my slumber state, I managed to poke myself. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: I need more sleep in my life. I’ve tried sleeping early, I’ve tried sleeping late, I’ve tried taking a nap in my car or a nearby park during my lunch break,  but the only (ONLY) way I wake up refreshed, is on my own accord, without the aid of my blaring WWII air-raid alarms. If you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to close my eyes for a secondddddddd……….

…when you have no energy to take a shower at night, because you stayed up until 3 a.m. watching a Masterpiece Theatre mini-series, so you go to sleep promising yourself that you will take a very nice, very thorough shower in the morning, only to wake up late and then take a half-assed “body” shower thus leaving your hair without beautiful and damaging sulfates that strip it of its natural oils, thereby ending up with a gross, greasy head of hair that you have to put up in a bun because that’s the only formation that will minimize the appearance of dirt, and to compound matters you haven’t done any laundry and you are only left with the too big or too tight underwear options, and you choose too tight and you regret it for the rest of the day, and you go through the whole day like that, progressively feeling more and more like you’ve taken a bath in Crisco that NO AMOUNT of oil-absorbing rice paper can fend off, just praying that 6 o’clock will come quickly so you can leave work like a bat out of hell and drive to the nearest self-serve car wash and strap yourself to the top of your car and soak in the wonderful soap and water so that you might remember what it feels like to be clean once again?

TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS.