Oh Jeez...

Whenever I’m looking forward to watching a certain movie or TV show, no matter how much I’d like to watch it with my mom, I always know it’s a bad idea. Not only does she talk to the screen during crucial you-better-hear-this-or-nothing-will-make-sense moments, but she also calls out the plot before they’ve ever shown it. I GET that most things are predictable, but I do not need to hear, “SHE KILLED HIM! SHE WAS THE ONE!” when I’m so fully captivated by the action on the screen.

Oh, and if there’s a climatic romantic moment that is the culmination of two hours (or two seasons) of sexual tension, my mom will ruin it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. While I’m holding back tears, imagining myself in place of the female heroine and watching the movie with the intensity of a thousand suns, this will be my mom: 

“Okay, okay, just kiss her already Darcy! You’ve stringed me along long enough!”

“FINALLY! They have been dragging this out for two seasons!”

I cannot even begin to describe HOW MUCH THIS INFURIATES ME! MOM, SHUT UP! I’m trying to watch and I’m so fully invested and YES THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A MAKE BELIEVE STORY TO ME AND WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ME! 

• I just took a five minute nap in the handicap toilet stall of the ladies restroom in my office building, because my eyelids were so heavy and my typing so slurred and incomprehensible that I was about to crash my head into my desk if only to have a surface to rest it upon for a full eight hour sleep. 
• My Netflix account has created possibly the most niche category for me based on my viewing history: Romantic period pieces based on classic literature. Not just period pieces or movies based on books. Netflix got real specific on my ass. Oh well, no use denying the truth!
• I got this edit on a document yesterday: “Commas should be used to separate a thought - make sure you’re using them correctly. Let me know if you have questions about this.” TO ME. ME!! THANKS FOR THAT LESSON, MOTHER HEN.  GO TO HELL. 

My unfortunate absence from Tumblr is now officially over (thank God). Really, I was starting to feel not only withdrawals from my dashboard of Jane Austen and Bollywood gifs, but I also felt like I had so much to say these past weeks and had no time to say them. OH I HATE WHEN I HAVE NO TIME BECAUSE I HAVE TO WORK AT WORK.

• My life was taken over by the most beautiful of video gaming trade shows, E3. OH HOW I LOVE THAT SHOW. Without going on about it at length, because BELIEVE YOU ME, I could write a book to rival Proust, let me simply say that I am so glad it’s over.
• Well, just one thing - start to finish it was a comedy of errors. It was Murphy’s Law come to life and I was on the receiving end. 
• I hate it when coworkers send me documents to edit/read that are in full magnification mode. Dude, set that shit back to 100% before sending to me. I cannot deal with your 250% zoomed documents.
• I love all Apple products, but seriously who are those headphones that come with iPhones/iPods meant for? I must have smaller than average ear holes, because they will not stay in for anything. Those buds are always plotting a suicide mission out of my ears.
• Just when you think that you’ve wrongly judged a smug and domineering co-worker and start being nice to them, they will unleash their most passive-aggressive and mean email on you, so beware and always keep them at arms length. If you can’t talk shit about the boss, then you can’t be friends.

I think that’s gonna do it for now and hopefully posts will become more frequent. At least I can always count on work to provide ranting material.

Hey I have cancer and I want to be president! Hi, I’m the gay one! Yo, I’m the retard youngest one who’s with that chick from the one CW show! Hello there, I’m actually an Australian actress that you know from somewhere but you don’t know my name and also I don’t know what the writers were thinking because I am SO NOT hot enough to be with that naked Gil! Hi, I think I used to be married to Sally Field, but I’m gay now and I almost had AIDS but I guess I’m ok now! Hello, I am Sally Field, the matriarch of this fucked-up beyond help family. I needed a paycheck, okay? It is what is it.