You know how on TV and in movies they always show the characters gather around the table in the morning and have a leisurely breakfast or maybe go to a diner with friends to eat before work/school, like they have all the time in the world? And they are all dressed, with hair done and makeup on and ready to tackle the day? I have always had major issues with this, and here is why. This is what my morning usually looks like:
1) Wake up in a panic feeling like I’m in a WWII air raid because of the three alarms I have to set for myself (and still I’m late).
2) Stumble to the bathroom to take care of only the most basic human necessities (Taking a shower in the morning is not an option, are you kidding me? All showers take place at night before bed).
3) Shuffle back to my bedroom and put on the closest top and bottom that are somewhat matching and grab a scarf and jewelry that will tie everything together and look like some thought was put into my appearance (however, jewelry is stuffed into pocket of pants or purse until the appropriate time, read on).
4) Hobble into car balancing purse, water bottle/thermos (if I can find one, ha!)/MUG FULL OF SCOLDING HOT TEA, jacket, makeup bag and lunch in hand. Scarf is dangerously dangling over one shoulder on the brink of falling at any moment. Cookie/fruit/granola bar/piece of toast is stuffed whole into my mouth as if I were a pig ready for roasting.
5) Turn car on to discover there is no gas. Take 30 seconds to seriously contemplate how far I can get on an empty tank. Thank the heavens that I am going downhill all the way to the gas station and pray that I will make it without a call to AAA in my immediate future.
6) Get to gas station. Already running late and this absolutely necessary yet time consuming task is made even more irritating because there are no free pumps. Queue up for the next pump and silently fume in car while biting lips and developing a case of lock jaw.
7) Finally get on the backed up onramp of the freeway. Breeze through one mile stretch of road before coming to a complete halt. Switch to the completely empty and rapidly moving carpool lane even though there is clearly no one in the car with me and the ticket fee for such a traffic infraction is astronomical. Conjure up lie/excuse to tell officer in case I get pulled over. My inner monologue goes something like this:
Cop: I pulled you over because you were in the carpool lane without another person in the car.
Me: Oh but officer, there is someone here. In my belly. My growing child. (I’m not in any way pregnant).
Cop: -_- Ma’am that’s not a real reason to breach….
Me: I’m sorry officer, but in my religion, the moment of conception is when a new human life is formed. If you cannot respect that then I will simply have to conclude that you are a bigot and report this religious discrimination to your superiors! (I am not religious, at all)
8) Drive and drive and drive until I reach the dreaded 101/405 exchange. Avoid the 50 car deep queue by driving past them as if I will be continuing on the 101 only to switch to the 405 at the last possible second.
9) Once my car is in the absolute stillness of the 405 where an open heart surgery could be easily conducted in my back seat because that’s how little movement there is, I whip out my makeup bag and start the arduous process of putting on my face.
10) Repeat Step 7, except now on the 405.
11) Finally exit freeway and race through the building parking lot at 50 mph to park as near to the door/elevator as possible. Collect all aforementioned belongings and start putting on scarf and stashed jewelry while running down the hallway to the office.
12) Make a mad dash for the office door while checking email on phone. Try to creep in through most out of the way and inconvenient path to desk, all while trying not to make a single sound.
13) Finally at desk (albeit about 10-15 minutes late)!! Turn on computer, making sure either headphones are in or comp is on mute. Sign on to instant messenger as quickly and inconspicuously as possible and pretend you’ve been there the whole time.
So, now I ask you, people of the world: who’s got it right? Me or the TV?
